I thought I’d start my day by stating two things:

1. I’m starting the process of submissions to a plethora of publishers. For this, I will be creating a portion of the site devoted to the progress of my book so you may know (those of you truly interested).

2. There was a time in my youth where I was school shopping with my mother in K-mart. Upon reaching the check-out line, there were two men in the line together next to ours. A little bearded man in a motorized wheelchair, and a very large man helping him with the groceries.

Now you may wonder why I take note of this at all. I’ll tell you the only reason I remember any of this is because of the nature of said groceries. The little man was buying what seemed like 300 bags of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. They were everywhere. He had two carts full of them. I remember the cashier was diligently ringing each bag and trying to bag them too. I imagine you had to ring them up individually because there would be no conceivable way to count how many there were in a timely manner. Further, I suspect that K-mart registers couldn’t handle the calculation: $4.54 X too-many-damn-Reese’s without getting “EPIC FAIL” printed all over the receipt.

Then came the screaming child.

There was another line nearby with an insolent procreation that wouldn’t stop screaming about something incomprehensible. All out tantrum. This is where my mother would describe the dead-fish dance.*

The dead-fish dance is when a kid throws themselves on the floor and starts flopping around like a fish out of water. Arms could be flailing, but sometimes they stay stiff at the sides and they really do look like fish out of water. Then again, it also resembles a spasmodic seizure.

In any case, every parent has been there at some point. They want something, and you tell them they can’t have it. I’d just walk away when it happened. I’d say, “You want to throw a fit? Okay. I’ll be in the car, going home.”

I’m also told if you throw a bigger fit than the child, they’ll be too embarrassed to do it again.

* Excerpt not actually spoken by my mother. Words extrapolated from countless storytelling over the years.

Never mind the fact that dead fish don’t actually move. It would more accurately be the dying fish dance, or the fish-out-of-water dance. But I digress…

The screaming went on long after the Reese’s fanatics left and well into our check-out. It rose to a point where K-mart could have probably started a sale on earplugs, duct-tape, and interrogation equipment. But the most memorable thing was what our cashier did. As he was finalizing the purchase and tearing the receipt for us, he moaned loudly and said, “Somebody get that kid a Reese’s!”

No. I didn’t have a point in telling you all that story. I just felt like sharing.

I’ve usually taken pride in being able to ramble off the longest word in the English language (even boasting the ability to spell it!). People would say, “Raul, what’s that really long word?” and without hesitation I’d reply, “Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.” And thus, the jaws would drop. Alternatively heads would shake.

And for you head-shakers… Yes, you may judge me; I’ll allow it this time.

However, even though it is 45 letters long, pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis is made up. Everett M. Smith made it up in 1935 when he was the president of the National Puzzlers’ League upon their 103^rd annual meeting. And to top it off, the Oxford English Dictionary says it’s factitious (5 points to those of you who did not follow the link).

So I looked up other long words in hopes to find the real one. And then I thought I’d share them with you because I can.

I’ll first introduce to you number 4: Antitransubstantiationalist – n. (anti-tran-substantiation-alist) One who doubts that consecrated bread and wine actually change into the body and blood of Christ. Although it’s only 27 letters long, I like to give it bonus points for being 10 sylables.

3: Honorificabilitudinitatibus – n. (honor-ific-abili-tud-in-it-at-i-bus) The state of being able to achieve honours. Another 27-letter word, but I make this number 3 because it’s Shakesperean! You may find it in Love’s Labour’s Lost, act V, scene i.

2: Antidisestablishmentarianism – n. (anti-dis-establishment-arian-ism) The belief which opposes removing the tie between church and state. And who could forget the ever-popular 28-letter word?

1: Floccinaucinihilipilification – n. (flocci-nauci-ni-hi-li-pili-fication) The estimation of something as valueless. At 29 letters it’s just a bunch of latin roots with a suffix attached. “Flocci” “Nauci” “Nihili” and “Pili” all mean “little to no value.”

And although 1. is officially considered the longest word in the english language by the OED, I couldn’t help but dig up this ironic gem:

Hippopotomonstrosesquipedalian – n. (hippo-poto-monstros-esquip-e-dalian) Pertaining to a very long word. 30 letters, oh boy! And the great part is, you can make it longer by turning it into the fear of long words: Hippomotomonstrosesquipedaliaphobia. Can you imagine being afraid to say your own fear? I imagine it would be something similar to people with lisps.

Story time, kids!

I had recently decided to self-publish my ‘book’ through a company in Pennsylvania. I use the term book lightly only because I’m a stubborn little man who refuses to bend to the market’s adamant proclamation that it is, in fact, a manuscript; not a book. Whatever. Further, I find it my responsibility to inform you the difference between a real publisher and a self publisher:

Real Publisher – Buys the rights to your Mook entirely, often by forwarding you what they would expect to make from it in the first year before they go and edit to their heart’s content. They could come to you and tell you to re-write, remove a character, change the ending, etc, but ultimately they say what happens to that Banuscript because you sold it. Of course, this doesn’t include the inane hours of convincing it would take you to have them even look at your Manuscrook — Nay, consider looking at your Boanuscrook.

Self Publisher – Doesn’t care about the content of the Mabooscrik because you are paying them to just throw it on the press. Why should they care what it is about if they’ve already made their money? Of course, this is a guarantee to get your Bookuscript on a shelf… Somewhere… But that’s just it: Who knows where? Who knows if it will be seen? Not you, that’s for sure.

Back to my story…

Well, I forked over some money and for a time it was good. My Boonuscript went through editing and was returned to me for approval. After the 17th typo, I gave up reading over their changes and sent an email explaining that I deserve a second edit (because my money only paid for one). They obliged and took nearly three weeks to edit a second time. After the corrections were returned to me, I found more typos.

At this point, I seriously considered what I was getting out of this process and came to the conclusion that it wasn’t much. So I sent a nasty-gram asking for my money back and that I would be taking my services elsewhere. Which brings us to this morning.

06:41 AM — Raul’s Bedroom — Oahu, Hawaii

The 80’s greeted me into the realm of the conscious with the post-punk, British favorite “I Melt with You” by Modern English that I tastefully have chosen for my ringtone. Groggy, I clamor to my dresser where my phone docks to my Bose speaker system (it makes a great alarm clock) to discover my former publisher is calling me.

I am greeted by a customer service representative that proceeds to try to convince me to stay with their company.

“Mr. H, I will personally supervise the next revision of your manuscript and make sure you are given free copies of your book when finished.”
“No, I had already made up my mind.”
“May I ask what made you come to your decision?”
“I kept finding errors in the editing process, and I would like to take my book a little more seriously.”
“But with a 3 to 4 month turn-around, we can get your book on a shelf guaranteed. You can’t get that from a traditional publisher.”
“But at least with a traditional publisher, I will have the comfort in knowing that I have a quality product on the shelf.”
“Mr. H, did you know that New York based publishing houses are experiencing downsizing and laying off employees due to the recession?”
“I have no doubt.”
“And that makes it incredibly difficult to publish a book?”

At this point, I was considering asking her if she was under the impression the publishing industry was going to crash entirely. If she was insinuating that no books are being published… amidst several questions, but instead I went for something else…

“Do you even have the statistics to support that statement?”
“Would you like me to look into it and email you?”
“No, don’t bother please. I had already made up my mind.”
“Mr. H, with the economy where it is, you won’t be able to find an agent let alone a publisher to take your manuscript.”
“I recognize how difficult the process is.”
“Our services will be able to get your manuscript out and seen. Your service representative acts as your personal agent…”
“But how can my book be taken seriously if it can’t even be edited correctly?”
“Give us another chance, Mr. H, I will oversee the process and ensure you get the extra copies we said we would provide you.”
“That guarantees nothing. The motivations between a self publisher and a traditional publisher are entirely different.”
“If you would allow us just one more chance, Mr. H, I promise you…”
“No, thank you. I have made my decision and I would like my refund.”

So there you have it. I’m off to grovel before as many publishers as possible to see if my Manbooscript will be picked up for print.

Wish me luck!