So, in developing Pbshhht! into an online portfolio in attempt to impress the powers-that-be I should be on the web development team for my command, I have come to the ever increasing realization that I love web design.

Why don’t I do it for a living?
It’s a good question!

I don’t know why.

This sudden thought of “why not?” has collapsed many a plans going on in my mind. It has created a cascade of questions that I’ve already tried to answer. Like, “Why not Graphic Design?”, “Why not Theater?”, “Why not Architecture?”, “Why not Film?” …

Am I fickle?

I resolved to get an English degree, but I’m suddenly questioning if I should. Teaching is without a doubt. In some form or another, I must teach in order to feel fulfilled. In what capacity is what the little man in my head has been prodding.

I’m suddenly reliving my senior year. And I don’t like it.
My biggest fear is that I’m going to use the Navy as an excuse not to do any of them. “I deploy too much… blah blah blah, whine whine whine, me me me.”
It is possible, if only I make up my silly mind and do something about it.

… I am fickle.

Okay, so this is where my joining the Navy is going to pay off… I’m going to ask to start college.

I’ve picked everything! Oh, how nice it feels too!
Want to know what it is? Here it goes…

…

Hawai’i Pacific University
English Major, specializing in film. And Minor in Theater.

Oh I’m excited about this. English, who knew? But I’m becoming more and more of a grammar/punctuation freak, knowing the proper use of a semicolon in place of a coordinating conjunction and all…

All I have to do now, is learn how to spell.

HA!

I know some of you are laughing about that one. Especially Captain Spell.

I don’t know what to do… really, I don’t. This whole lump sum of a situation has wound up being prom night all over again. For those of you who went with me… you’d understand.

Yes Cory… that bad. However imagine the little things actually being big things. Yeah, that’s the story of my life. Again… giving up seems so wonderful right now. And no Cory… I’m not planning on it. I just like keeping my options open.

I don’t know exactly how to describe what I feel… but I must say that it’s pretty crappy. I don’t like this feeling. I just want to know how to get through this. I want to get this over with. I want to puke. I want answers. I don’t want to feel confused. I want to go into a coma and wake up when it’s all over. I don’t want to walk the one way street I’m stuck on. I don’t want to feel lost. And I don’t want to feel empty like I do.

I hate my job. I find the only speck of joy in that building to be the fact the sink is clean before I do my dishes. That’s about it. It’s no longer a good thing for me, and it feels like I can’t be free. My soul is being sucked dry of all feeling when I’m there. I want out. And frankly, I’ve thought about joining the military just to get out of Rock Park, and that reason alone. How sad is that? Being driven to the point where I feel I have to loose myself as to loose the feelings of frustration. I’m divided. I don’t want to go into the military… or do I? I just want a way to get to where I want to be with the least amount of money spent. Is that so much to ask? Is it so much that I have to join something that half of me wants to puke over as to get what the other half would be ecstatic for? I had someone beg me not to go. All out beg me. I barely know this person.

My sister is very reluctant about this. More so than I. I don’t know why this is, I don’t know what everyone else can see about my life that I don’t… I don’t get it. She told me that I should do what makes me happy. However, the dilemma is there is nothing I can do right now to accomplish that task. I know that I’m not going to be exactly happy with the military, but I also know that I’m not going to be happy staying here. Canada seems nice, but I’m sure when winter hits, I’m just going to want to shoot myself.

I’m definitely not happy now… so does that mean I should go? I don’t know…

I want to be sedated…. anyone?